That Guy Obama

I dunno why I was excited when news about Obama talking about same sex marriage was in the news, but I was. Maybe because this is what Ive been thinking of all this time. And for someone as important as him voice out my own beliefs, it is just spectacular. I dont know when I will get married, there is just this part of me saying this is what I would be in the future regardless of my present circumstance. It is that itchy feeling that you have when everything else feels fine. Like some buzz that keeps on annoying you. You know its there, but you cant figure out where.

The whole PR thing sucks. Im worn out from that site. I dont know what else to do with that place. Its always thesame.

I want to meet a real thinking person.

Ive been thinking about Jed and whether he has realized what an asshole he was letting the relationship go. That was a real relationship dammit. So real in the real sense of the word. We tried making it work. Thats what relationships are all about. But oh well, whats past is past. At least i had that time.

What can possibly improve what I had with Jed? I had a real life boyfriend who was rich, who was handsome and who was kind (before the break up that is). He had his faults, but he had his pluses too. All in all, it was a good deal. Oh well again :-)

Commitment, love, fidelity, maturity, fitting like a glove...so hard to come by talaga.

My State of Unchastity

Being in a relationship for almost two years have its downside. I mean if you had it for that long, when its over then of course you're going to miss it after a while. You know I mean sex no? :-)

So after 9 months of being sexless, going through a phase of recovering, being good again, I found myself in a quandary. There I was, with no love life AND no sex life. I began to feel it around October 2011.

Looking for a palatable date in Davao can leave a very unsavory taste in the mouth. I've always found it easier to connect with people from outside my own city. Like for example when I started using this gay website, it was more easy to say yes to someone from Cebu to do it with. He was 20. Very malambing and very hot. I almost said yes to a long distance relationship if not for many lessons I've learned from that experience. Then there was Alfred, who spent a couple of weeks in my city. Again if not for him being based in Luzon, there wouldnt be any problem. I think he was the most fun of all my boyfriends, even if it was just for a short while. It made me even get into a long distance relationship for a month, until I just have to end it.

So after trying and trying to have a relationship starting October of last year, I finally said "oh well...why not give sex a chance." At least Ill have that.

Never did I realize before that I could be such a perve. I mean, I know I love certain things. And I did it with Jed. But this trek into such banality...Ive discovered a lot of things about myself that I never knew I had in me.

There were fucks that I kinda regret and wouldnt do again. And there are fucks I thought were up there in the clouds. I had goals suddenly. I wanted to fuck like Im making up for so much time I spent being Miss Prissy. First I realized that I can fuck like crazy only when I feel very attached to my partner. There should be at least a certain thing I like about him. A possibility of keeping him for more than a night. A good kiss during love-making usually assured me of that. And those were the best fucks Ive had. Second, I am a hard-core top. I can only top. I dont think Ill ever bottom. But Ill never say never. There are times I wonder what it feels like, why a lot of the guys iv bottomed like it so much. Third, I like to rim. I mean I love it. It gets me really hard. Fourth, I love a good sucker, because Im one. I usually end up teaching these perves how to do it right. Fifth, I started being a soft, mellow, romantic fucker, until I found out all of them want a hard pounding. So i learned to do it that way, no problem. Sixth, I have become a connosieur of virgin bottoms :-) But I can never do it on the first time, theyre just too tight and complain alot. The second time, bam! Then they come again for thirds and fourths. Seventh, early twenties are unreliable fuck buddies; they fall in love too easily. But I swore off late twenties and early thirties as fuck buddies. Theyre too wizened and sometimes selfish especially the closeted ones. They are no fun at all. Eighth, there's just a time when you say to yourself, casual sex is just not enough. And so after three months of just having sex for the sake of having sex, I want what Ive always known from the start. I want to be with someone I can be with for a long time, if not forever.

For the First Time

For the first time in 10 months, I was sure of liking someone to the point of perseverating over.
Actually, Iv seen him before in other sites. And I kept on trying to engage him in an interaction.
And last night we did. Talked with him for an hour. And it seems we both are agreeing on a lot of things. But the moment he adds me on facebook, the tone changes. The only thing I can think about is I am not physically up to his standards. He did write that the person he'd stay with should be worth something in order for him not to consider Australia or Dubai. And yes, I texted him twice, he answered once and I guess thats that :-(
The other guy I met up with tonight I also chatted up about a lot of my internal thoughts. Told me im a great soul, blah blah blah. Used the words I love you. But by this time, I know what they want. They want my great soul and my very nice heart and incredible mind to have the perfect lips, nose, eyes, face, what have you. And darn, my very Pinoy face and Ilongo nose wont cut crap for these men. So the whole day Ive been thinking its really either i go through the knife or just go to a place where my Asian-ness is a big turn on. And I can probably do both. But at the back of my mind, whatever. If you long for something more than superficial, you can always stand by it. And if you can do it, its really not only my loss. Its ours both. The only thing is I have a bigger heart, a bigger brain and a nicer soul. And at the end of the day, I know Ill grow old with grace, with much beautiful skin (because i moisturize), and be at peace with myself that Im pushing all the buttons right, doing the right kinds of things and if it wasnt enough for you, then it will be enough for someone else in the long run. And I know that for a fact.

Oct. 13, 2011

Today I got a kickass karma bitch.
And I was thinking about that too.
I just didnt know it would happen that way.
Serves me a goddam good lesson.
Im too trusting of people. Goddam it. Just because Im honest doesnt mean to say everyone will be.
Next time, please do not ever trust people you dont really know. With things and words.
Next, this is a reminder to keep things on a minimum. You dont need so much stuff! Tsk tsk tsk.
Who needs two ipods??? two cellphones??? too many shoes and clothes??? too many bags???
I used to believe in that before. Its just going back to that now.
At least I have to sleep without the ipod on now. Or worry about losing all the small gadgets (well since i lost all of them in one go tonight).
And last and the most important...do good by yourself. Keep myself honest, work honest, just work work work.
Serves you right, Brndn.

A Relational Dead End

I miss writing so much but I've been too lazy to write something down the past months or so. However last night while chatting with a friend on Facebook, I made a comment that I needed to build on. I told her that I think I have to move back to the states because Davao seems to be like a relational dead end for me. Relational dead end...hmmm.
Sweeping generalities again, but it truly feels like that. After that breakup last January, I have been thinking of what I truly want for my next relationship. Im facing it...Im not getting any younger, and I truly want to settle down with a partner. Ive been hanging around this gay website for a few months now and to me, it seems that no one seems to fit in well. Ive been dating and getting to know people around town and nothing.
Heres my problem, hear me out...
First, most of the people I meet are younger than I am. Most of them work as employees, earning god knows what. Some of them are even jobless. Turn off.
Second, most of them do not even read. I dont even know what their aspirations are in life. Most of them seem so clueless about their own futures. Id settle for someone who at least knows where they'd want to take their careers or talents or interests in two years or so. Id settle for someone who would dream of something and take steps in making that happen.
Third, most are closeted bastards who apart from the first two reasons, could not even wrap their brain around the concept of monogamy, or long term relationship, or cohabitation even, much less gay marriage. I mean, at some point you gotta have to ask yourself what you want out of this life no? Do you want to flit around relationship to relationship looking for what exactly? Do you want convenience lang of having a fuck buddy? Do you want to go ego-tripping make someone love you and derive pleasure from that and then what?
It seems also that Im like pegging the relationship bar too high, but I dont think theres anything wrong with that naman. You want your relationships to get better as you grow old and so as long as you know what you want in life you should go for it no?
I want a relationship thats going to last for a long time. Im striving for the happily ever after, for richer or poorer kind. And I want a person who looks at life the same way that I do. Who would want to plan and make life together with me. Is that so wrong or impossible?

From 6months ago :-)

I am digesting things in my brain.

Things that I dont have the power to understand on my own.

How cruel is a man who leaves a life in the middle of a road.

The sort that tells you his heart is going to betray yours.

I do not claim to understand what the heart wants.

I just wonder how in love can one do things that one believes is right.

There are things that I readily admit.

That in my loving I have hurt someone.

I have paid no heed to feelings.

Maybe it is the same now.

I have a lot to learn in this game called love.

I think no one ever wins.

I do not want to doubt love eternal.

But I devalue myself. Maybe it is just for this one instance.

And then you get to ask whether commitment without love is

a mere shadow of loving instead.

At times i ask myself whether that same commitment to find it

prevents me from really recognizing the value of people.

Maybe my friends are right.

Maybe I do choose people who are lacking in the first place.

What is there to love when nothing is endearing.

I do not know myself.

I hated, I was embarassed, I made excuses.

What kind of love was that?

It is like loving some garbage that you have kept for so long,

that you cannot seem to part with.

Maybe he saw it first. Maybe i ignored it.

I cannot claim to say that I have learned to love it.

What kind of queer mind would do such a thing?

This heaviness in me, I guess Ive been carrying even then.

This sort of malcontentment.

Nothing ever seems enough or perfect.

It was as if I was expecting perfection from something so far from it.

Maybe its the familiarity.

Or the fact that I sometimes owned someone's affection from a label.

Beloved.

I am at a point where I do not know what to feel.

The feelings change from one minute to another.

Hate from the betrayal.

Longing for something that I lost.

Hope that it doesnt end there.

Hurt from the lies I dont know whether i lived or

Regret that I ignored the truth for so long.

Worry that the pain would last long.

Envy that someone seems to be better than i am.

Bewildered that this has happened.

Annoyed that I lost so much time.

Relief that it has ended.

I think of the best times and they are so memorable.

I remember the small things best.

How we sang.

How we danced.

How we talked.

How we held each other.

I remember amidst the chaos, it was his touch that comforted me the most.

I felt safe in somebody's presence.

I would slept better, much more peaceful than i do alone.

That is one that I miss the most.

A mere presence.

what does it speak of me?

Of my love?

Of the things I want in my life?

There are no answers at this time.

I do not know anything at all.

It seems to me that I lost something I didnt own in the first place.

I didnt want to own it then but when someone wanted to, I changed my mind.

And now that I cant have it back, I want to say, I didnt want it in the first place.

My, my, how does a brain capture ideas just like this.

i do not know. I do not know.

I Hate This Part

My family is so inept when it comes to becoming a family. Are families really like this? Half-hearted respect, half-hearted loving, half-hearted service. It feels like we are not acting like a family at all, instead treating each other as pieces in one's convenience.
I feel like it boils down to not accepting each one as wholly as you can. Each of us so lacking in qualities that you expect from a mother, a sister, a brother. Each of us faulty people made from a faulty mold, and nothing can make us perfect or even better but ourselves. But the minute you better yourself, your family tries to bring you down one way or another that there is no escape but to escape in your mind or in my case wanting to escape physically.
It is so mind blowing that i chose to return to the house i grew up in even with the memories and the lukewarm welcome three years ago. how i feel i still need to be with my family even if i dont get the benefit of love, or warmth, or trust, or respect. I struggle with this thought: "Why do I stay?"
And I arrive to an answer of "convenience." Maybe even of fear and false hope. Fear of being alone. And hoping that amidst every hurt that we hurl at each other, there is a glimmer of hope for this family. But we dont stand for each other. I dont trust my mother with my life. I cant trust my sister Vanessa to have my best interests in mind. I definitely do not trust my brother with anything. How can I trust Hershey when she doesnt even trust herself.
Love is hollow when your mother tells you she loves you but do not approve of you being gay. When your sister spews messages of a high preacher of puritanical faith and cant separate work from personal things. No love lost with a brother who competes with you even if you do not.
We have driven ourselves in a vortex of recriminations and disappointments and I dont even assign any blame to anyone of us at this point. We just have not been responsible for each other in the deeper sense of the word from the start.
There is nothing for me to do now but to become brave and become unafraid of living on my own. Friends are better family for me. I have to admit that i am luckier with friends. embrace na lang that fact. Embrace even the fact that even with this false hope, I dont think wed ever become closer or benefit from each others company. We have long ceased to become that. Admit to myself and accept the fact that my mother would not ever change her mind about me even if i show her the most beautiful, perfectly moral gay son.